


Survival of the Horror Movie

by EzekielJones



Category: How to Survive a Horror Movie
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Parody, horror movie
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-02
Updated: 2017-02-02
Packaged: 2018-09-21 12:29:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9549038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EzekielJones/pseuds/EzekielJones
Summary: How will I fair in a horror movie? I don't know, but it all started because I didn't listen to the warning that the book How to Survive a Horror Movie gave to me, and now I'm stuck in the Terrorverse.*Warnings: High chance of bad writing as this is my firstish story and also sarcasm. You have been warned. Also, may contain violence at some point I mean, horror movies?**This was originally posted on Wattpad and I am now posting this here and I have not updated in a long time until now.*





	1. Prologue

***Authors note: I don't own the contents of the book or anything about the book How to Survive a Horror Movie. I only on my characters and the plot.***

This is the story of me, Kristi a regular 17 year old teen who is now probably going to die. You're probably wondering, " Why is she going to die?". Well that's because I bought the book How to Survive a Horror Movie. I bought it because it looked interesting and maybe I'd read it when I have nothing better to do. So, it sat on my shelf for a while with me occasionally looking through it for my amusement. If I had only followed the warning in the book and believed it. The warning doesn't say much just that under my circumstances, as I found the book in a store, my chances of being on a horror movie were very small. If I bought the book though, my chances instantly went through the roof. I guess that's what I get for wanting something to happen to me so I wouldn't be bored all the time. If I'd known I would probably die at the hands of some serial killer because I'm about as athletic as a potato, I think I would have tried to live long enough just so I could buy and play Pokemon Omega Ruby or Alpha Sapphire. I'm being honest when I say that, because at least I get to die some really cool death and I don't have to live to be 100 because I lived some boring life with the diet of a rabbit. I get to have some excitement, a good meal, then a cool death. What more could a person want?

Anyway on with the story....


	2. Chapter 1: The Beginning

***** **Author's** **note** **:** **I** **don't** **own** **the** **book** **How** **to** **Survive** **a** **Horror** **Movie** **I** **only** **own** **the** **characters** **of** **this** **story** **and** **the** **plot** **. Also** **any** **writing** **in** **bold** **is** **from** **me** **the** **author** **.** _Any_ _writing_ _in_ _italics_ _is_ _the_ _main_ _character_ _Kristi_ _'s_ _thoughts_ _._ _*_

Like every story there is always a beginning and this one is no different. My story begins when I bought the book, but considering nothing eventful happened for a while (about a year) I'll just skip to the day my life went down hill and off into the pit of despair (if you get the reference I will love you forever).

Friday, June 13, 2014

" If you need anything just call, okay."

"Okay dad, I'll be fine and I'll call you when mom comes to pick me up." I responded.

" Also, call us if the power comes back on."

" I will, bye."

Today was Friday and my mom comes to pick me up. It had been a dark day and was raining off and on. In the late afternoon, probably around 2, the power went out and my step-sister and step- mother left for an appointment around four. Around 4:30 my dad and brother were home and left with my baby sister to go to the store, while I waited home alone until my mom came to pick me up. It was kinda dark in the house considering the clouds blocked the sun and I hadn't turned on any lights (as in gotten a flash light or light a candle). It only dawned on me after everyone was gone that this seemed like the beginning of a horror movie. A young girl alone in a storm with no power. Merely seconds after the thought crossed my mind, I heard a noise come from the bathroom.

 _Man_ _,_ _I_ _can't_ _believe_ _I_ _was_ _so_ _stupid_ _to_ _get_ _into_ _this_ _situation_ _!_ _At_ _least_ _I_ _have_ _three_ _dogs_ _to_ _alert_ _me_ _of_ _a_ _masked_ _murderer_ _in_ _the_ _house_ _...._ _Hopefully_ _._ _WAIT_ _!_ _I_ _have_ _a_ _bat_ _and_ _that_ _horror_ _movie_ _survival_ _book_ _!_

I ran upstairs to retrieve both items and quickly ran back down. I flipped a few pages to try to determine what kind of a horror movie I might be in when I read this: "If you're a young female alone in the house, all signs point to a slasher."

 _WHAT_ _!_ _That's_ _me_ _and_ _I'm_ _probably_ _going_ _to_ _die_ _!_ _Well_ _at_ _least_ _I'll_ _give_ _it_ _my_ _all_ _and_ _not_ _go_ _down_ _with_ _out_ _making_ _it_ _perfectly_ _obvious_ _that_ _I'm_ _sarcastic_ _and_ _a_ _smart_ _-_ _alec_ _._ _I_ _should_ _call_ _mom_ _to_ _see_ _where_ _she's_ _at_ _._

I grab my phone and call my mom.

"......Hello?"

"Yo Ma Parker, it's me where you at? I asked.

" I'm passing the Mall area I should be there in about 15-20 minutes legs." she answered.

"Mom, I think I'm in a horror movie, because I have my _How_ _to_ _Survive_ _a_ _Horror_ _Movie_ book and it says that if I'm a young female alone in a house all signs point to a slasher. Also to top it off, with it storming all day, the power is out!" I tell her.

" Well it's also Friday the 13...."

" .... WHAT! Why did you tell me that? Now I'm definitely not going to survive!"

" It's also a full moon..." You're not helping!"

" Well I'm just telling you. Anyway, I'll be there in a bit, love you, bye." She hangs up.

 _What_ _am_ _I_ _going_ _to_ _do_ _!_ _Well_ _I_ _guess_ _I_ _at_ _least_ _know_ _what_ _I'm_ _up_ _against_ _._ _Not_ _that_ _it's_ _much_ _of_ _a_ _help_ _._ _I_ _guess_ _I'll_ _just_ _call_ _Deker_ _._

"...Hello?" he answers.

"I can't believe you guys left me all by myself in a storm with no power on Friday the 13! Now I'm in a horror movie as it specifically says in my book that if I'm a young female alone in a house that all signs point to a slasher movie. So thank you soooo much for that!"

"You're welcome. Anyway you'll be fine. Do you have weapon?"

" Yeah, I have the bat."

"Okay then, you'll be fine. If that's not enough you can always go outside and get something from the garage. We have a chainsaw in the basement, I'm pretty sure. You can always get on the tractor and hit the killer with it a few times or you could attach the metal rake that dad made (Our dad kept breaking our rakes, so he made one out of steel) to it or even just hold it with one arm and hit the killer with it."

" Yeah Deker, let me get right on that because I'm Mr.T, so holding that with one hand is no problem for me. Why don't I just get the sledge hammer and hit the killer with it while I'm at it?"

" You could rest it on the hood and when you're by the killer bring it to the side and drop it on him. Then you could go open the fence and run to the truck and start it with the spare key."

" What about the killer? As soon as I take my eyes off him, he'll disappear."

" Walk backwards and make sure you can always see him. When your in the truck just look through the back and drive the truck in through the opened fence and run him over."

" Okay well, if I have to I can do that assuming I don't wreck the truck considering I still don't know how to drive. Also this is assuming I can get there walking backwards considering I can barely walk forward with out tripping. I could always just clothesline the killer with the rake and repeatedly hit him with the bat then get the blowtorch and light him on fire and run a safe distance away to watch him burn."

" That could work. See you'll be fine now I gotta go. Love you, bye." he hangs up.

 _Well_ _this_ _sucks_ _._ _At_ _least_ _I_ _have_ _some_ _kind_ _of_ _plan_ _._ _Maybe_ _I_ _should_ _at_ _least_ _check_ _to_ _make_ _sure_ _I'm_ _not_ _in_ _any_ _other_ _kind_ _of_ _movie_ _._ _First_ _I_ _will_ _check_ _to_ _see_ _if_ _there_ _are_ _any_ _Japanese_ _children_ _in_ _the_ _bathroom_ _._

" Hello? Any Japanese kids in here? If there are, please answer me. If there are, I won't be mad. I'm sorry maybe you only understand Japanese. Konnichiwa. Well no one answered, so I'm not in some ghost movie. If I find out you guys are in there though, I'm going to be mad."

Next let's see if cats come out of everything I open or if I hear music crescendo when I walk into other rooms. That will solidify if I'm in a slasher if either happens.

I spend the next 5 minutes opening drawers, cupboards, and cabinets and walking through the house for nothing eventful to happen.

 _Oh_ _well_ _,_ _I_ _guess_ _I_ _won't_ _know_ _for_ _sure_ _until_ _I_ _meet_ _the_ _antagonist_ _._ _For_ _now_ _I'll_ _try_ _to_ _be_ _on_ _my_ _guard_ _._ _I_ _should_ _read_ _some_ _of_ _this_ _to_ _get_ _a_ _better_ _idea_ _of_ _what_ _I_ _can_ _do_ _to_ _prepare_ _._

Then a a loud noise comes from outside, and a shadowy silhouette appears by the bushes. As it comes closer I begin to make out a person with a knife.

"Come on! He couldn't have waited until my mother came." I exclaim.

Just then an idea comes to me after reading a section in the book.

I look outside to see that he looks like he's going to break the window to get in.

I run to the door and open it.

" You had better not break that window. Money doesn't grow from trees, so unless you have the money to pay for it, I suggest you come in through the door like a civilized person. I mean really I'm sure your mother raised you better. Now hurry up! Stop with that confused look you are late as it is along with the other guests. Don't just stand there you're getting soaked!"

Finally the masked killer comes in...

~End of chapter 1~

**So** **this** **is** **me** **guys** **I** **just** **want** **to** **say** **that** **I'd** **like** **to** **know** **what** **you** **guys** **think** **as** **this** **is** **my** **first** **story** **.** **So** **if** **anyone** **even** **reads** **this** **please** **comment** **so** **I** **know** **if** **this** **is** **something** **anyone** **will** **even** **read** **or** **if** **I** **need** **to** **edit** **this** **because of errors** **or** **even** **if** **you** **guys** **have** **any** **ideas** **,** **I'd** **like** **to** **read** **them** **.** **So** **if** **you** **read** **this** **thank** **you** **for** **taking** **the** **time** **to** **read** **this** **story** **.**

 


	3. Chapter 2: The Not So Great Escape

**Authors** **Note** **:** **I** **don't** **own** **anything** **except** **for** **the** **plot** **and** **my** **OCs** **.** **P** **.** **S** **there** **are** **fandom** **references** **in** **here** **because** **I** **CAN** **!** **I'll** **love** **you** **forever** **if** **you** **understand** **them** **.** **Comment** **if** **you** **can** **find** **them** **!!** **On** **to** **the** **story** **!**

_..._ _Wait_ _?_ _I'm_ _not_ _dead_ _!_ _I_ _can't_ _believe_ _this_ _is_ _actually_ _working_ _!_ _Hmmmm_ _,_ _well_ _what_ _should_ _I_ _do_ _now_ _?_ _Wait_ _!_ _The_ _book_ _!_ _I've_ _read_ _it_ _a_ _million_ _times_ _by_ _now_ _so_ _what_ _do_ _I_ _do_ _..._ _I've_ _got_ _it_ _!_ _It's_ _time_ _to_ _put_ _my_ _years_ _of_ _training_ _to_ _work_ _!_ _He_ _won't_ _know_ _what_ _hit_ _him_ _as_ _he_ _is_ _up_ _against a_ _master_ _of_ _deception_ _._ _When_ _it_ _comes_ _to_ _exaggeration_ _there_ _are_ _none_ _who_ _could_ _even_ _hope_ _to_ _surpass_ _my_ _level_ _of_ _excellency._ _For_ _those_ _of_ _you_ _who_ _are_ _unaware_ _,_ _I_ _happen_ _to_ _have_ _a_ _PH._ _D_ _in_ _bullshit_ _with_ _a_ _minor_ _in_ _sarcasm_ _of_ _course_ _._

 _ **Are**_ _ **you**_ _ **done**_ _ **bragging**_ _ **because**_ _ **I'd**_ _ **like**_ _ **to**_ _ **get**_ _ **back**_ _ **to**_ _ **telling**_ _ **this**_ _ **story**_ _ **.**_ _ **And**_ _ **if**_ _ **you**_ _ **would**_ _ **be**_ _ **so**_ _ **kind**_ _ **,**_ _ **STOP**_ _ **BREAKING**_ _ **THE**_ _ **FOURTH**_ _ **WALL!**_  
 _..._ _Well_ _that_ _was_ _odd_ _._ _But_ _I_ _suppose_ _I_ _will_ _stop_ _and_ _let_ _the_ _author_ _tell_ _the_ _story_ _._

"Please, sit down while I ready the tea." I say in a fake **(** **read** **:** **terrible** **)** British accent. " I apologize for not having it ready. I was going to start it around 4:30, as that was the set time for everyone to arrive. I suppose the storm has slowed everyone down. While the tea is being made would you like anything? A towel perhaps?"

The killer stayed silent.

"Ah, the silent type. Well, no need to be shy, we're all friends here, isn't that right Tink? Yes, I know I didn't forget you Captain Hook. Why yes, I do think I'll tell that story! Thank you Unicorn!" I exclaim gesturing to various places as if there were someone or something there. The killer just stared at me as if I had sprouted a second head.

"Oh, sorry I ran off topic, what was your name again?...Oh, that's right! John, what a lovely name, and your Susan's boy. How could I forget. But I don't recall if you were related to the Egberts. Oh never mind. Have I ever told you about my time spent in England. You must understand, that I spent my time at the Yorkshire Estate. Those were the days. I was young and ignorant to the ways of man kind. How I wish I had properly thanked the kind people teaching me how to be a proper gentleman. I learned how to hold myself like any dignified socialite should. I was taught proper etiquette, when it comes to fine dining. I was taught to enunciate and vastly expanded my already enourmous vocabulary. I was even allowed to attend Oxford. I don't consider myself an Oxford man as I only went there for six months. But most of all, on that Estate, I was shown how to love someone. I met a rather handsome gentleman by the name of Jay. If only I had been able to stay. If only I had acted differently..." at this point I had broken off unable to continue. " I'm sorry. I thought I had gotten over this, but it's hard to lose someone you love to reckless, foolish behavior and bravado." I say through sobbing. " But, you know what they say, hindsight is 20/20." I finish.

During my monologue, the killer continued to look at me apathetically. Then with annoyance. Then with eyes filled with pity, remorse and sorrow. At the end, he looks like he wants to go over and awkwardly pat me on the back. He doesn't; however, he stays seated at the other end of the table.

"Anyway... How about some tea? It's ready." I get up and grab some teacups. I then pour tea for the both of us. We sit there for a while in a comfortable silence. I sipping tea and he sitting. Until, that is I see my moms car pull up.

 _Finally_ _!_ _She's_ _here_ _!_ _I_ _wasn't_ _sure_ _how_ _much_ _longer_ _I_ _could_ _fool_ _him_ _._ _But_ _how_ _do_ _I_ _make_ _my_ _great_ _escape_ _without_ _him_ _noticing_ _?_

"Please, pardon me for a moment while I make a phone call."

I ran into the bathroom and called my mom. I waited in silence for her to pick up.

"Hello?" She answers.

"Mom! Thank gods your here! I told you a killer was going to come!"

"Your joking right?"

"No, really you have to believe me! He's the strong and silent type. He resembles Jason more than Michael Myers. I have been stalling by following the instructions of my book How To Survive a Horror Movie. I don't know how much longer I can keep these charades up!" I tell her in a panicked whisper.

"Do you want me to come in or call the police?" She asked.

I contemplated for a second before responding.

"No, I don't think that would be the best course of action. Just stay in the car and keep it running. I have a plan." I finally say.

"Okay. Just don't do anything stupid and stay alive no matter what. I love you and good luck." With that she hung up leaving me to my thoughts.

 _Well_ _it's_ _now_ _or_ _never_ _._

I walked out of the bathroom ready to carry out my plan.

"I'm sorry if I took a long time. One of the guests got lost, but she's here now. She told me that she made some food for all of us to eat, so I'm going to go out there and help her." As I was saying this, I was grabbing my overnight bags. I made sure that I had grabbed the book and the bat as well. I was making my way to the door when the killer grabbed my shoulder, realizing I was trying to abscond. I turned around slowly to look at him. Seeing him raising his knife I realized I had to do something and quick. So I did the only thing I could I....

**Cliffhanger** **!** **Sorry** **,** **bit** **I** **had** **to** **.** **Hope** **y'all** **are** **enjoying** **the** **story** **so** **far** **I** **would** **really** **like** **it** **you** **could** **comment** **and** **tell** **what** **you** **think** **so** **far** **or** **if** **you** **got** **any** **of** **the** **refrences** **I** **made** **or** **if** **there** **is** **anyway** **I** **could** **make** **this** **story** **better** **and** **more** **interesting** **.** **I** **value** **the** **opinions** **of** **my** **readers** **if** **there** **are** **any** **and** **I'd** **be** **glad** **to** **hear** **what** **you** **think** **.**


	4. Chapter 3: Well What Did You Expect?

...I screamed.

_Yeah that's right, but what did you expect from me? I'm not a superhero and I'm all false bravado and sarcasm. That can only take a person so far._

That all aside, the scream seemed to be somewhat effective, as the killer was taken by surprise by the loud scream. Seems he had not been expecting it. 

 _What can I say, I am an actor and the world is my stage. I have fooled many people in my lifetime._ **Hehm, the story?** _Oh, right, sorry again._ **You're getting on my nerves, so if you don't start trying a little harder, I may just decide to give you a not so happy ending.** _So, what you're saying is that I'm going to have a happy ending?_ **Not if you keep interrupting my narration .** _Well, technically this story is in first person, so it's my story isn't it?_ **I'm still the author and when I said not so happy ending I just meant you would die a slow and painful death instead of, perhaps, a heroic one, the ending can be changed at anytime.** _I'll shut up._

Upon noticing the killer's surprise, once I realized I wasn't currently dying, I took aim with my bat and swung at him. My hit appeared to wind him, if only a bit, but I didn't stick around to wait and see. I booked it outside and was running up the sidewalk to the driveway where my mother was waiting in the car. I hurriedly opened the fence and closed it behind me in an effort to slow down the killer. I ran to my mother's car and hopped into the passenger seat.

"DRIVE!" I screamed at her, panting and out of breath.

She put the car in drive and began to give the car gas, when the Killer appeared in front of the car out of no where. She did not let this faze her, and kept her foot on the peddle,and push down harder until the Killer was hit by the force and went underneath the car with a a loud thunk. She drove completely over him, and I watched him in the side mirror and rear view mirror to make sure he didn't disappear.

"Mom, put it in reverse and run him over." I said without taking my eyes off of his body in the mirrors.

"Already one step ahead of you." she responded having put the car in reverse. She then proceeded to back over the body. She continued to drive over the body a  total of 10 times forward and backward to be safe.

"I think that's enough and if it's not then we'll just have to hope he doesn't come after us. That aside, do you want to call the police?" She looked at me, but I didn't look back at her as I was still staring at the mirrors.

"First, let me take a picture of the body, you watch the body too." I told her. Once I was sure she was watching the mirrors, I pulled out my phone and zoomed in on the body in the mirrors and took a ton of pictures, then I took my mother's phone and did the same thing. 

"Alright, now that I took care of that, back over the body once more." 

"Okay." She said and she proceeded to do as what was asked of her. Then, she began driving down the rode and away from the body of the Killer. Once the Killer's body could no longer be seen in the mirrors, I finally looked at my mom and let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding.

"Are you okay? Were you hurt? Have you called your father or brother, and if not you should so that you can inform them of what happened. Also, what do you want to do?" My mother glanced at me waiting for my answer, but didn't take her eyes off the road.

"I'm about as okay as can be expected after what just happened. I wasn't hurt and no I haven't called either one of them. I will though and I guess I'll call the police to report this. That's why I took those pictures so that they can't just say this is a case of female hysteria. It may not be concrete evidence, but it's definitely something. Also, you saw the Killer yourself, so that's two witnesses. This way it'll be harder for them to not believe me. I'm going to text both of them, Deker and Dad, that is. I know they'll want to hear me on the phone, but I need them to let the neighbors know so that they're on their guard, and so I can take the time to call the police. Also, I know you normally don't, but please whatever you don't take your eyes off of the road, because it's a cliche in horror movies that once the driver does, something appears in front of the car, and we either hit it, I won't see it and you'll have "imagined" it, or you'll swerve and total the car, and we'll be fine with some bumps in scratches, but in the middle of no where with who know what out to get us. Okay?" I told her. 

"Alright, I won't. I get what you're saying. Just let me know if you need anything, okay? You did go through a big ordeal, and it's okay to not be okay." My mother reassured me while sticking to her assurance of watching the road. As we continued to drive, I texted my dad and brother, and proceeded to call the police. It was not as bad as I expected it to be, but they wanted me to come down for a statement, as well as to show them the pictures. I told my mom this and she agreed to take me down to the station as well as to be there for me as moral support as well as to supply her own statement. Thankfully, we had only been driving for about five minutes and we hadn't quite gotten to the turn where we normally go to Grandma's. We continued straight on the road to head to station. 

"Make sure to call Grandma to let her know we'll be late. Don't tell her about the ordeal thought? Just tell her to be careful, and that we're bringing dinner alright?" 

"Yeah, of course" I responded and did as I was told.

 

**Author's Note:**

**SO... Sorry, it's been so long since I've updated, I'm not sure how often I'll be updating, but hopefully I'll get some more inspiration. As always comments and constructive criticism are welcome.**


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